i came across this quote on pinterest the other day and holy shit does it ring true. i had written a post awhile back on the state of my marriage (during a raging fight with justin, no less.. and yes, wine was involved in that "writing process") and had intentions of editing it and posting here, but this quote pretty much sums up everything i said, in a simpler, more beautiful way.
nothing makes me happier than justin, but also, nothing and no one makes me sadder than him. there are times/days/weeks where he is an insensitive asshole with no filter, saying things i've asked him not to say, intentionally hurting my feelings. it makes me so sad. it literally floors me. i've thought about divorce more in these 3.5 years of marriage than i had ever hoped to think about my entire life (and this is after marriage counseling, anger management, staying with my parents, etc. you don't get married thinking you will ever think about divorce... at least i didn't). it blows in those moments, i'm in tears, frantically detailing every harsh word in my journal of "things justin says when he's pissed" (because i've grown tired of recanting the same story to my supportive friends/mother)... and, since i'm a blogger, it only adds to the angst when i see/read everyone's "love" story- or how "we only fight over who does the dishes" posts. this can't be real, correct? i can't be the only one in a marriage with some serious issues worth fighting over, and not dumb ass shit that can easily be solved? (though, i do have to say, our dumb ass shit could easily be resolved if justin stopped and thought in these moments of anger... but, coming from a family who has no filter, and literally learning to say whatever is on your mind without any kind of tact surely isn't helping his situation. anger begets anger, right?).
but then.... then there are moments where i am ridiculously happy. happy just to sit on the couch and watch tv after a long day of work. happy to spend time outside, to road trip, to vacation, to just wake up and go to sleep with each other everyday. and no, i dont have a journal of "things justin says when he is happy"- and isn't that in itself fucked? not fucked, per se, but that is MY issue: holding onto things, having a grudge, knowing i'm not the source of the problem, but somehow believing i am.
and it's so weird. i've only now been able to get my head out of my ass and stop feeling so damn sorry for myself to see how i contribute to this problem. i don't need to stay and let him take his anger out on me if he's doing it in a mean way. (by all means, vent to me! i can handle that. I'm good at empathizing and at problem-solving. but don't you dare call me a name and rage at me because something else went wrong in your life- that will lead me to my friend's, where i will drink too much alcohol and spend far too much self-pity money on craptastic clothing from forever 21). i don't need to feel sorry for myself. i'm a big girl, and i know what i got myself into. and i don't need to compare my marriage, which is SO FAR from being perfect, to these bullshit love stories on the internet. maybe they are true- maybe there are people who are so blissfully centered and focused and loving that they don't do any wrongs to their partners and never fight (oh except when he didn't take out the trash.. tisk tisk, husband). to them i say, good job! i hope that lasts because god knows if any REAL problems arise, you might not be equipped to handle it.
all this to say, i've been wanting to write a post about the "realness" of my marriage, about the flaws, about the frustrations. because i know you know we are happy- all the pictures and other posts suggest that we enjoy each other's company and genuinely love each other. because we do. justin is truly a wonderful guy... 80% of the time. i would like to think i'm wonderful closer to 90% of the time, but i also know my faults. i am harsh, rough, and blunt. i expect near perfection from everyone, at all times, regardless if i am giving perfection. which is probably impossible to live with, just like uncontrolled rage is impossible to live with. and our flaws, when we both choose to show them, only fuel the fire rather than containing and eliminating it... i'm starting to realize it's because we have so much shit (life, personal issues, imperfections) going on that we can come together and truly appreciate not only each other, but this marriage. and yes, that doesnt happen as much as i would like, but it is something for us to work toward in the future. it's not rainbows and unicorns and fucking daisies all the time, and i've started to accept this.
our marriage and relationship is far from perfect. and you will never see me writing our love story, because it isn't "romantic". we met initially at a party when i was 18- he insulted my friends, i argued with him, then my friends and i left. 3 years later, i bravely/foolishly (?) agreed to go to his house. we locked eyes in the garage and i stayed over for the next 3 days. romantic, right?
ok, so i guess i just wrote our "love story", but it was 3 sentences. hardly a story. point being: i had to get this out. i have to be honest and transparent. because this is my blog. and everything i strive to do comes from a place of pure honesty.
maybe some of you are in a "real life" marriage like me? or maybe most of you are in that fairytale world. who knows? i don't really care, it just seems like bloggers like to put this happy spin on everything, and i don't want to be sucked into that shallow vortex. i want to be real. and this is how it really is.
thanks for reading and not judging myself or my husband. we are both extremely flawed because we are both humans. and it's hard to figure out how to live this life, period, let alone with another human. i dont get how anyone could say anything different.
peace and love